Going Back to Work & Support Groups

So, after about three weeks of moping around the house and just trying to get through my day to day, I decided that I needed a change, but I was terrified of returning to work.  I am a substitute at the school my husband works at, so everyone knew that we were expecting, but that we weren't sure what was going to happen, at this point, they also knew that we had lost our Daughter.  I had sent an e-mail out before my husband returned to work giving a brief account of what happened and that I, not my Husband, would be more than willing to answer any and all questions that they had.  I also said that I would rather people talk to me about it than treat me as if nothing ever happened or like I am fragile and breakable.  I was so tired of feeling like I need to tip toe around everyone's emotions because they are uncomfortable when I was clearly breaking inside.  I just wanted people to be real with me.  What terrified me the most though was the students.  It was obvious that I was pregnant when we lost Olivia, as I was 21+ weeks, and if I was asked if I was, I was honest about it.  I just didn't go around the school broadcasting that I was pregnant.  I didn't know what to say to students who asked, or what to do about all the odd looks, but I sucked it up and put myself back on the call list.  It was another week before I returned.

That first day back was an emotional one.  It took everything I had to hold it together.  I felt like everyone was starring at me, but that no one wanted to say anything to me.  Students, more so than faculty, kept starring at my belly, trying to figure out what was so different.  I kept my composure until I had my lunch and prep periods, during which I just broke down.  The end of the day could not have come quick enough, and I was so thankful when I was able to retreat back to the home I had felt prisoner in for so long.  Home was now a safe place, out of the prying eye of the public and close to my Son and Daughter.  As time passed, it got easier to go to work, and eventually people were even willing to talk to me about my experience with my Daughter, and several people even asked to see pictures.  It was nice to have to support of those around me.

Once I noticed how talking about Olivia made me feel and I didn't want to continue to burden people who didn't really want to hear about our story, I decided to attend a support group.  The hospital at which we delivered offered one monthly, and I found another online that met a little further away, also monthly.  My Husband and I started attending both, since that meant I would be able to go 2x a month, basically every other week, but quickly weened down to just the one at the hospital.  It was a relief to be able to talk about my Daughter and how much she meant to me, the ups and downs I was experiencing, and to be able to share her pictures and the things that we had done for her.  I truly appreciate everything that the support groups have done for me!