Days Following My Loss

The days that followed were horrible.  People were afraid to leave me alone and I was constantly feeling overwhelmed.  I felt like I had to put on a front and pretend that things were "ok" when I was breaking inside.  I tried to busy myself in doing things for Olivia and did my best to take care of my son.  My nights were sleepless and filled with tears.  My mind would just run in circles around the "whys" and "what-ifs."  I was exhausted.

I managed to get out of the house and go to the craft store to buy things to make a shadowbox and a scrapbook.  I completed the shadowbox on March 16th and was so happy with it.  I put the hat that she wore at the hospital, the blanket she was swaddled in, and the stuffed butterfly we bought for her in the box, along with a duplicate of the outfit she wore and her hospital bracelet.  Every time I look at it I smile.  The scrapbook will be a work in progress for some time I am sure.

March 16th is also the day that we were able to pick up Olivia's cremains.  It was a bittersweet moment, picking up her cremains.  I was so relieved to have her back with us, even if the circumstances were far from ideal.  I kept wishing that we were going to pick her up from her Grammy's after a long weekend apart, but who was I kidding!  Myself?  Having her home gave me an odd sense of peace.  I was able to relax just enough to realize that I needed to stop beating myself up over something that was so far outside of my control.  I did everything that I could have for my daughter and would have done more if I could have.  It was the first night I got any amount of sleep, and it wasn't much!

So, to summarize, the first week after my loss I was never left alone.  There was always some family member at my house making sure that I was ok.  I wasn't ok, I felt like I was never going to be ok.  I felt trapped in my own house and just wanted to be left alone.  I was tired of hiding my true feelings and I was tired of stepping on someone's toes.  After all, I was the one whose child died, why should I be so concerned about what other people were thinking or feeling.  I guess I didn't want to scare them.  I didn't want anyone else to feel the pain I was feeling.

Week two was scary at first.  I was terrified to be home alone with my son.  What if I broke down and was unable to take care of him?  What if I couldn't pull myself together if he really needed me?  Well, being home alone with my son was exactly what I needed.  He was a great distraction.  He kept me busy and made me smile.  When he napped I had the time I needed to break down and feel everything I had been holding in for the last week.  My first few break downs were intense.  I cried so long and hard that at the end of it I had nothing left!  It felt refreshing to do just that.  When my husband got home he would take our son so that I could work on Olivia's scrapbook.  It was a very therapeutic week for me.

To Olivia:  My dearest little Olivia, I love you with all of my heart, you are my daughter, and you will always be in my heart!