Empty Arms

When I thought about everything in my head I thought that hearing that our daughter had no heart beat would be the worst day of my life.  After we were there, and did that, I thought it would be the labor and delivery leading up to her birth, wrong again.  I was then sure it would be when they took Olivia away from us telling us "our time was up," which really sucked, but it wasn't the worst day of my life.  The worst day of my life was March 11, 2011.

It started early in the morning when I was woken up by a nurse trying to take my blood pressure and heard a baby crying down the hall.  I just turned my head as the tears rolled down my face.  I didn't want to hear someone's baby cry when I would never get to hear my own sweet daughter cry.  When I told the nurse that I wanted to leave ASAP, she said, "Well isn't that just the request of the day."  I wanted to scream at her that the other people could wait because they were holding their baby's and would get to take them home, but I didn't.  I sat there in silent agony with my arms crossed just rocking and trying to hold back the tears.  Finally, the Doctor came in to discharge me and I was told I would have to go and make a 2 week postpartum appointment.  Really?  You couldn't have scheduled one for me?  As I stood there, bawling, waiting for the girl to schedule me an appointment, the nurse from Maternal Fetal Medicine came by, hugged me, and helped me take care of everything.  She offered to get me a wheelchair, which I refused, I would be leaving on my own two feet.  Leaving, that is when my day went from bad to worse.  I realized I would be leaving my daughter, dead, in a cooler on the 7th floor and that my arms would be empty.  I didn't get the proud Mom departure of balloons and flowers and people cooing over my baby.  I was leaving with nothing but a box full of blankets and clothes and empty arms.

The ride in the elevator took forever and gave me just enough time to completely fall apart.  By the time we reached the ground floor and the doors opened I was an uncontrollable mess.  I was unable to see where I was going and am sure everyone was staring at the mess that just exited the elevator.  My husband held on to me and guided me in the right directions.  The closer we got to the exit, the slower I walked, and eventually, my legs stopped working all together.  He asked if I wanted to sit and I managed to blubber No, and he drug me out the door.  Thank goodness the valet guy had my car there ready to go because I was dumped in and basically went comatose.  I don't remember a thing about the ride home, amazing, since it was an hour long!  When we got home, family was already there, with our son, and I managed to make it in the house on my own two feet.

Home sucked!  I felt so empty.  I held my son as I pulled myself together and felt like it was inappropriate to breakdown and cry in front of family.  I held it together for the rest of the day, and when night came, instead of sleeping, I cried.  I cried for hours asking why, why, why!  I sat and rocked and held my arms like a child should be cradled so lovingly in them.  I ached, from head to toe.  My heart was broken and my arms were empty!