My Loss My Life: Meeting Our Daughter

March 10, 2011 was a crazy day. I was having mixed emotions on meeting our daughter. There is nothing in this world that I wanted to do more, but not under the given circumstances. The ride to the hospital was a quiet one, it was hard to find anything to talk about. I knew the day was going to be exhausting and I was trying to prepare myself, both mentally and physically. I know now that you can never prepare yourself for such an event. Meeting your "sleeping" child will never be an easy thing for people to go through.

We arrived at the hospital at 8:00 a.m. and went to valet parking. The valet saw my belly and that I was hugging a pillow and said, "So, today's the big day huh?" I just looked at him and after a moment broke down in tears and said "No" so quietly I didn't know if he heard me before I ran away. It didn't get any easier. I managed to compose myself as we walked through the long corridor and stood waiting for the elevator for what seemed like eternity. As we got off the elevator on the maternity ward floor, the receptionist began checking us in. She started to tell us that once the baby arrived the Father, my Husband, would no longer need to wear his visitors tag because he would be given a wrist bracelet that matched our daughters. I told her there would be no wristbands and broke down again. Till this day I am still unsure why this woman was not informed of our situation before hand. It would have saved me a lot of unnecessary upsets. As we proceeded down the delivery floor hallway we ran into another reception desk. This time the tears on my face told these women exactly who I was and they politely introduced themselves as they whisked me away to my room. I was so grateful at that point in time to not have to talk or explain anything. Diane and Carol, my nurses for the day shift, were phenomenal. Diane sat and talked with me for over an hour, telling me about her work experience and her own personal losses. She told me what to expect with the deliver, as well as from people afterward. I was told that I would most likely be in labor until after midnight and that this process would take a long time. They said early would be late tonight. One of the best things she said to me was that people will most likely say the wrong thing, and I will get upset, but to remember that they are doing their best and usually don't mean it the way it comes out. After signing my life away in a books worth of paper, it was time to start the induction.

At 9:30 a.m. on March 10, 2011 I was given cytotec to start my cervix on the path to ripening. Family started coming in shortly after to sit and pass the time with us. My Father and Step-Mother were the first to arrive and kept me busy playing cards and other trivial things. Around 1:00 p.m. my Mother-In-Law and Father-In-Law showed up. My FIL flew in from his job in Minnesota so that he could be there to meet his granddaughter. At 1:30 p.m. they checked my cervix and since there was nothing going on they gave me another dose of cytotec. They kept asking, almost insisting, that I get an epidural or take another form of pain medication, but I told them I didn't want anything. I felt that I needed to experience everything to the fullest, like I owed my daughter that much (after all, if she had made it to term there wouldn't be any medication). I also felt that it was a necessary part of the healing process for me. I wanted to be there 100%, both mentally and physically. I didn't want to miss and/or forget a moment. My Mother, Step Father, and Son were the last to show up around 3:00 p.m. My Mom figured I was due for a break and that seeing my son would brighten my day, which it did. (He was almost 9 months old at the time.) Family for me really was a saving grace. We were able to sit around and talk about happy times and about Olivia. It was nice to have their support and know that they were all there to meet and great her as they would any other grandchild.

At about 5:30 p.m. I had had enough of sitting and wanted to walk around. I walked around for a bit and of course when I made it to the furthest possible point I had to use the rest room. As we did our best to get back to the room they told me I was allowed to use the restroom, however I wasn't able to get off the toilet (talk about embarrassing). Apparently when I went to the bathroom, my waters broke, however little there was, it terrified me. When they got me back in bed around 6:15 p.m. they told me I could push. I told them I wasn't ready and they left. When it was just my husband and I in the room, he asked me why I sent them away. I told him because I wasn't ready to lose our daughter. I knew as soon as she was out of me that they would take her away, maybe not immediately, but eventually. I wasn't ready to be so permanently apart from her. We talked for awhile and after I decided that I was never going to be ready, I might as well meet my daughter. They told me that I would be able to deliver vaginally with no issued even though she was breech because she was so small. I began pushing at 6:45 p.m. and at 6:58 p.m. my daughter, Olivia Grace, slipped silently into this world weighing 14.3 ounces and was 8.5 inches long. I was distressed and heartbroken when they placed her in the warming bed and left her there. I immediately asked the nurse if she could dress her in the outfit we purchased, swaddle her, and bring her over. As they were dressing her, I had them describe her to me so that I could be prepared for what I might see. They told me that because she was breech things might dislocate or break and because there was no fluid there might be "deformitites". She was so tiny and so perfect. She had her Daddy's chin and my nose and she took our breath away. I was instantly in love.

We contacted NILMDTS to come in and take some pictures, and my Sister-In-Law arrived as he began taking pictures. One of my favorite pictures that he took that day is of her seeing and holding her for the first time because you can see so clearly the emotion on her face. We took pictures with our own camera and everyone was able to hold her and meet her and tell her stories. She was held and loved for the four hours we were able to spend with her. That time will never be enough, but it was all we had, and it was a beautiful four hours. At 11:10 p.m., our night shift nurse, Kelly, who arrived just after Olivia's birth, came and took our angel with her. Kelly was amazing. She called our little girl "Sweet Pea" and told us that she would reswaddle her and make sure she had everything with her that was to go with her. Saying goodbye had been the hardest thing to do that day. It was an extra bitter ending to such a bittersweet day!