January 20th, 2011 at 14 weeks and 4 days pregnant I was completely taken off guard by a kick. I tried to convince myself that it was to early and I couldn't possibly have felt it, but as it continued ever so lightly a few more times throughout the day I was convinced that was exactly what I was feeling. What an absolutely amazing feeling!
January 31st, 2011 I had another appointment. I was 16 weeks and 1 day pregnant and I was amazed by every little kick and nudge the baby made. The Doctor's were impressed by how far she had made it. They said that the majority of these babies (meaning TS babies) terminate within the first 14 weeks. Our sweet baby girl was truly a fighter. They checked the heart rate using a Doppler and had me all worked up when they couldn't find it. After calling in another nurse, they were able to find a good strong heart rate of 144. It was such a relief to hear so clearly that she was thriving.
February 21st - 19 weeks and 1 day pregnant. This was the day I was scheduled for two appointments. The first was for a level II anatomy ultrasound and the second was to speak with the Doctors about what they saw and how the baby was developing. This was the day that everything started to go wrong. The level II ultrasound took about 2 hours. I went in so optimistic that everything was going to be great and they were going to tell me what a miracle our little girl was. We started by hearing a strong, beating heart, beating at the rate or 155 bpm. Every time I heard that heartbeat I was amazed! The ultrasound tech look perplexed as she continued the scan and I kept pestering her with questions about what she was seeing. She told me she was not allowed to answer my questions until after a Doctor looked over the ultrasound pictures. I knew things were going poorly. Finally, the Doctor came in to talk to us about what they were seeing. They told us that the cystic hygroma was there (which I already knew) and that it had grown. It was measuring almost 4 inches. We were told that our precious daughter had developed ascites, or swelling around her middle, that the edema was still there and was looking more severe. The news kept getting worse. They told us that our daughter was only measuring 17 weeks, so she was considered IUGR (inter uterine growth restricted). All of this we could handle though. The CH, ascites, and edema could all clear up and we always knew she was going to be small. What I couldn't handle was them telling me that they were unable to find your kidneys and that there was no amniotic fluid to measure. They explained to us that without kidneys, there would be no chance at life for our little girl, other than the obvious missing organ. They told us without kidneys she would not be able to create amniotic fluid, without amniotic fluid her lungs would not develop and she would not be able to move around freely. Amniotic fluid also helps regulate body temperature and it helps to relieve pressure on the umbilical cord so that it doesn't collapse. I left feeling like my world had been turned upside down. Up until this point I had always felt that we would be meeting our daughter, alive and healthy, and that we would get to see her grow up. They scheduled me for a follow-up appointment in 2 weeks, but didn't leave us with much hope that things would improve at that time.
February 21st after the horrible news my husband and I decided that we needed to give our daughter a name. It was something that she deserved and it was one of the last things we would be able to give her. We had been discussing names for awhile and had a few in mind. I told my husband if I had to pick my favorite girl name of all time it would be Olivia Grace. He told me he loved it and that Olivia had been on his short list from the beginning. So, our daughter was named. She is Olivia Grace May!
February 24th- 19 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
To Olivia: I am having a really hard time coping with the fact we will most likely loose you
and that I will never be able to bring you home from the hospital. It is breaking my heart
and I am so sorry that I am unable to do more for you. I want you to know that I have
done or tried to do everything within my power to give you the best chance at life, but
apparently what I can do is just not enough. I want you to know that I love you so much
already, and have from the start, and you will always have a piece of my heart!
I ended up going to Hershey because I was having a hard time keeping myself together and I wasn’t feeling any movement. They got me in as soon as I got there and it turns out that Olivia was still there and moving. Her heartbeat was 136, which is good. The Doctor did come in and note that the swelling in her abdomen was slightly worse than on Monday, and gave us devastating news that most babies in this position won’t survive much more than a few weeks. I’m so heartbroken!
March 3rd - I’m to the point where I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I have not given up on our daughter yet, but the Doctor’s seemed convinced that nothing short of a miracle would help her. I’m holding onto that miracle! Trying to make decisions for the worst has really gotten me overwhelmed these days and I just can’t bear the thought of losing her. I just need her to know that I truly cherish every little nudge she makes and everyday that I get to spend with her is truly amazing!
March 3rd - My little firecracker, she kicked and wiggled real good tonight and her Daddy got to feel her moving! Thank You Olivia for letting your Daddy get to experience with you what I have been experiencing for some time now!! It seems like every time my days are looking doom and gloom, Olivia does something to brighten my day!
March 7th - 21 weeks 1 day. Olivia has been kicking and wiggling real good all weekend. I wasn’t nervous about going to the appointment at all because I was still feeling her move bright and early this morning. I should have known better. My Grammy Bates (88) called at 11:37 am, right before we left for the appointment to see if I was ok. She said she had a bad feeling, and something wasn’t right. I should have been prepared after that, but I wasn’t. When we got to the ultrasound appointment, the worst happened. They were unable to find her heartbeat. I was devastated. I didn’t know what to think or do or what was going to happen next. The Doctor’s laid the options out for us, and I decided I wanted to go the route of labor and delivery, but wanted to wait for it to happen naturally. I scheduled an induction for March 15th just incase nothing happened and we went home. On the way home we stopped at babies-r-us and returned the blankets I had previously purchased for Olivia for ones that I liked better and picked out a few stuffed animals and other things. When we got home I special ordered an outfit for her to wear when she was born, it was a precious little white gown with a pink satin bow and a pink crocheted hat with a white daisy. I did everything I would have done if we expected to bring this home a happy, healthy little girl. I wanted her to have everything my son had had at his birth. I called and contacted family, letting them know what was going on and that I would like them to be there to meet our daughter when she arrived. I contacted NILMDTS and let them know that we were in the waiting phase and where we expected to deliver so that someone would be available to come take our "family photo." It wasn't until I finished with all of my planning that I realized what was happening and broke down. Everything started to sink in. Our daughter was gone! That kick I felt this morning was the last kick I was ever going to feel. I was never going to get to bring her home or watch her grow. I was never going to have to stay up for many restless nights to soothe her, feed her, and change her. I wanted to do all of those things with her. How was I ever going to be "ok" with not getting to do those things! I just couldn't understand...
March 8th - 21 weeks 2 days - I panicked. I was sitting around all day waiting for Olivia to move and it was tearing me apart that I would never feel it. I sat on the couch and willed her to move as I broke down in tears knowing I was driving myself crazy. I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it until the 15th, so I called the hospital and moved my induction up to March 10th.
March 9th - My nerves were getting the best of me even though I was busy preparing for Olivia's arrival. I was afraid that her outfit would not be here in time so I called and special ordered a duplicate to be overnighted. I kept packing and unpacking my overnight bag, because I knew I was forgetting something. Shouldn't there be diapers and wipes and other things to help provide for my child when we left the hospital. Shouldn't I be rejoicing in the fact that I was going to meet my daughter. Why did this all seem so wrong. Why shouldn't I have those things packed, why shouldn't I be excited about Olivia's birth. Why, why, why... I just felt like screaming just that! I think it goes without saying that I didn't sleep that night. I couldn't help but think, ALL NIGHT, that this was just a bad dream and in the morning it would be over!
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